How to restart life?

Bumblebee03

New member
Hi, Male 34 Expat from India. Undergoing divorce from wife of 11 years and relationship of 16 years. I have a beautiful young daughter, and for whom, I am the primary caregiver for now. My wife is the one who is seeking divorce citing 'not having felt the love' for a very long time in our relationship. She is already moved on and I know she is already involved with someone else.

On the other hand, I am struggling to cope and move on with my life. At this point, my only concern is to limit the damage that this could do to my daughter and therefore maintain an amicable relationship with my ex-wife so that we can co-parent.

I feel both a need to maintain a strong and calm exterior but at the same time, I struggle internally a lot. I feel like I am bottling up a lot of anger, resentment and pain.

I feel compelled to be okay and play along with her mood swings and change of hearts and plans and random schedules, just because I don't want to land up in court with a messy divorce and end up losing even my daughter in the process.

I don't have any family and most of my friends are either common friends with my wife or I just don't feel comfortable talking to. I feel incredibly embarrassed and emasculated because of the impending divorce.

Really looking to hear from others on how to restart life again, when your 4th attempt at restarting life has failed.

thanks
 

Flamel

New member
Glad that you have found your way here. Can really feel your pain from what you wrote, and really hope you can find some comfort and solace among us.

How old is your daughter?

I can understand the pain and anguish you are feeling right now. I think many of us here went thru the same process. Not sure what your other 3 attempts were, but you are only 34. There are so many more things waiting for you in life.

This phase will pass, thats for sure. It may take 1, 2, or even 3 years. But it will definitely pass and when that time comes, you will be a much happier man with a happy little daughter. Trust me on this. But in the meantime you have to hold on to your sanity and find strength for your daughter. Hopefully, you should look back when you're 37 and be glad that this happened at 34 and you handled it well.
 
Hi, Male 34 Expat from India. Undergoing divorce from wife of 11 years and relationship of 16 years. I have a beautiful young daughter, and for whom, I am the primary caregiver for now. My wife is the one who is seeking divorce citing 'not having felt the love' for a very long time in our relationship. She is already moved on and I know she is already involved with someone else.

On the other hand, I am struggling to cope and move on with my life. At this point, my only concern is to limit the damage that this could do to my daughter and therefore maintain an amicable relationship with my ex-wife so that we can co-parent.

I feel both a need to maintain a strong and calm exterior but at the same time, I struggle internally a lot. I feel like I am bottling up a lot of anger, resentment and pain.

I feel compelled to be okay and play along with her mood swings and change of hearts and plans and random schedules, just because I don't want to land up in court with a messy divorce and end up losing even my daughter in the process.

I don't have any family and most of my friends are either common friends with my wife or I just don't feel comfortable talking to. I feel incredibly embarrassed and emasculated because of the impending divorce.


Really looking to hear from others on how to restart life again, when your 4th attempt at restarting life has failed.

thanks
You are the primary caregiver for now....thats good....maintain that.

The wife is the one seeking divorce....so I assume she has laid down her cards on the table.What do you think of them?

Depending on how the other party is....sometimes a messy divorce is unavoidable.....you might want to avoid....but it takes two hands to clap.

Many marriages dont work out....some looks nice on the outside.....inside all spoilt. You want that kind of marriage?
 

Bumblebee03

New member
Glad that you have found your way here. Can really feel your pain from what you wrote, and really hope you can find some comfort and solace among us.

How old is your daughter?

I can understand the pain and anguish you are feeling right now. I think many of us here went thru the same process. Not sure what your other 3 attempts were, but you are only 34. There are so many more things waiting for you in life.

This phase will pass, thats for sure. It may take 1, 2, or even 3 years. But it will definitely pass and when that time comes, you will be a much happier man with a happy little daughter. Trust me on this. But in the meantime you have to hold on to your sanity and find strength for your daughter. Hopefully, you should look back when you're 37 and be glad that this happened at 34 and you handled it well.
[/QUOTE
Thanks really appreciate you taking the time to reply...

I certainly hope that I can reach that stage, however difficult it may seem for now
 

Bumblebee03

New member
I suppose I don't want a marriage only for the sake of optics. I do wish however, somehow to get pass this stage, this utter feeling of helplessness that comes sometimes...
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply
 

treasurex

New member
I can totally understand what you mean when you said you play along to her mood swings and whims coz you want to keep things amicable.

I've done that before also and it didn't feel good and it seemed that she just took it for granted and continued on her "wilful" ways of treating me.

I think you have to put your foot down on her sometimes to let her know that she's getting her way most times only because you let her. Else she will eat you up and take advantage of you after the final settlement, and you can do nothing about it.

You may want to talk to someone close or a counsellor to see if your actions are OK or not
 

Bumblebee03

New member
Thanks for the advice... I have in the last couple of months actually started to set some boundaries... I guess it is just about understanding that there is a new normal at play now...
 

histranger

New member
Hi, Male 34 Expat from India. Undergoing divorce from wife of 11 years and relationship of 16 years. I have a beautiful young daughter, and for whom, I am the primary caregiver for now. My wife is the one who is seeking divorce citing 'not having felt the love' for a very long time in our relationship. She is already moved on and I know she is already involved with someone else.

On the other hand, I am struggling to cope and move on with my life. At this point, my only concern is to limit the damage that this could do to my daughter and therefore maintain an amicable relationship with my ex-wife so that we can co-parent.

I feel both a need to maintain a strong and calm exterior but at the same time, I struggle internally a lot. I feel like I am bottling up a lot of anger, resentment and pain.

I feel compelled to be okay and play along with her mood swings and change of hearts and plans and random schedules, just because I don't want to land up in court with a messy divorce and end up losing even my daughter in the process.

I don't have any family and most of my friends are either common friends with my wife or I just don't feel comfortable talking to. I feel incredibly embarrassed and emasculated because of the impending divorce.

Really looking to hear from others on how to restart life again, when your 4th attempt at restarting life has failed.

thanks
hi thanks for sharing your thoughts here with us.. like u, I can totally resonate with what u said on the internal.struggles and all etc. I dont think I can help u much but will be able to lend a listening ear if u need.. u are only 34 and there is still a long life ahead.. some time down the road and u will realise all your past problems now are really nothing.. all the best. :)
 

Bumblebee03

New member
Thanks for the support... Really appreciate it. Very few people actually understand how lonely men get in such situations... It is incredibly difficult to find the right words to even express your own thoughts... Like somehow if you say them out loud, they will become more permanent and stick with you forever
 
Thanks for the support... Really appreciate it. Very few people actually understand how lonely men get in such situations... It is incredibly difficult to find the right words to even express your own thoughts... Like somehow if you say them out loud, they will become more permanent and stick with you forever
Come here talk to us.

We may not have all the solutions.....but talking it out is good for the soul.

U cannot avoid the unavoidable,whether U say it out loud or not.
 

Bumblebee03

New member
Come here talk to us.

We may not have all the solutions.....but talking it out is good for the soul.

U cannot avoid the unavoidable,whether U say it out loud or not.
Thanks... Appreciate the thought and time you took to reply. I really struggle with my own thoughts sometimes... Should I really allow this to take the toll it is exerting on my life or can I just power through it.

Once this ends, then what is their left in life? Between a really demanding job and taking care of my kid full time, I barely have anything left in the tank to do anything.

And honestly weird as it may sound, after being in a relationship for 16 years and losing it, I don't even want to have another one....i was talking to a close colleague about it the other day and by the end of it I started feeling guilty... As if I am doing something wrong. Its all too confusing and overwhelming at times.
 
Thanks... Appreciate the thought and time you took to reply. I really struggle with my own thoughts sometimes... Should I really allow this to take the toll it is exerting on my life or can I just power through it.

Once this ends, then what is their left in life? Between a really demanding job and taking care of my kid full time, I barely have anything left in the tank to do anything.

And honestly weird as it may sound, after being in a relationship for 16 years and losing it, I don't even want to have another one....i was talking to a close colleague about it the other day and by the end of it I started feeling guilty... As if I am doing something wrong. Its all too confusing and overwhelming at times.
What is left in life after divorce is a whole new perspective and potential opportunities...haha.

Your kid will have to be your main focus for now....so U might need to look at working a less demanding job....lifestyle change....etc etc...

Give yourself time.
 

FrozenSun

New member
Thanks... Appreciate the thought and time you took to reply. I really struggle with my own thoughts sometimes... Should I really allow this to take the toll it is exerting on my life or can I just power through it.

Once this ends, then what is their left in life? Between a really demanding job and taking care of my kid full time, I barely have anything left in the tank to do anything.

And honestly weird as it may sound, after being in a relationship for 16 years and losing it, I don't even want to have another one....i was talking to a close colleague about it the other day and by the end of it I started feeling guilty... As if I am doing something wrong. Its all too confusing and overwhelming at times.
Yes, it is painful and it is difficult for outsiders to emphasize, unless one goes through it....stay strong...
 
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